Saturday, 24 October 2009

• For a minute there, I lost myself...

  Karma Police.
  
  
  Well ladies and gentlemen, they're finally taking me away. They've realized I'm really batshit crazy and need serious help before I explode from being too goddamn fat.
  Alright, that's my anger talking there.
  
  I'll start at what happened last night...I hadn't eaten in a week, and hadn't had anything to drink in two days. I was tired, weak, lethargic, dizzy, and my heart was pounding like a hammer. I was sitting beside my mom, who kept asking me what was wrong...again, and again, and again.
  Somewhere in my confusion, her confusion, and lethargy, I confessed of my inability to eat.
  Her rage meter went from 0-10 in a matter of....2.3 seconds. She ran into the kitchen, grabbed a yogurt (35 cal) and told me to eat it.
  "I can't" I said.
  "Yes you can!"
  So after....half an hour of screaming back and forth my mom gave up, she set the yogurt down, ran into the bathroom....and minutes later I heard her crying.
  Really crying...sobbing crying.
  Well, that made me feel like shit...I felt like the lowest form of human being in the world.
  
  But I couldn't eat it...
  So after fighting more when my mom came out, and my step mom came along...they decided they were going to take me to the hospital.
  We went, they said I was dehydrated. I drank water, had half a popsicle (30) because the doctor was nice and I already made my mom cry today...
  So I stuck it in my mouth, and chewed.
  Felt like shit....I wanted to throw up.
  Then they sent me home, with the recommendation that I be taken to the hospital in the city the next day.
  
  So here we are...
  Today.
  My parents are taking me into the city, because they...don't know what else to do.
  My  mom is frustrated..
  My step mom is trying to understand...
  And I'm in the middle, frustrated, trying to understand, and wishing I could drop dead.
  We'll see what happens...
  I'm both hoping they see through me, and realize that I need help...badly.
  And hoping that they say everything is fine, and I can go home....so I can continue my slow suicide.
  
  I'm tired of hurting the people I love around me though, when my mom cried last night I just wanted to curl up on the couch and sleep forever.
  But I know that forever...isn't possible.
  Something has to change...
  I just don't know how.
  
  So goodbye for a bit (maybe), I'll be sure to share my stories when I get back.
  I'll miss you...
  
  

  • 1:24 PM
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