...where exactly do the lines blur?(I'll follow up on my last blog, just wait until I get these few things out of the way...)Today I felt so out of place...like I was walking through a whole different world. Every sound, sight, sensation, smell...is sharper, more revealing.
When you know, that in a short while you wont be walking this Earth anymore, it's funny how you pay more attention to the little things.
The rust on the train tracks, the way they shake and squeel as a train comes by... the sickeningly greasy smell of the pizza place you'd never dare to eat at... the soothing pitter-patter of your footsteps down an empty hallway.
Everything is more cherished, and for a moment you think,
"I'll miss this place."And the next thought is,
"But I wont miss the way I was living in it..."I wont miss stepping on the scale and holding my breath like I was waiting to hear the death penalty...
I wont miss crying in front of the mirror, twisting my body every which way, sucking in, breathing out...sucking in, breathing out. Pinching my flesh so hard my skin would stay red for hours...
I wont miss hiding food under my bed, and sneaking out of the house to dispose of it in the middle of the night...
I wont miss the sleepless nights I spent with only my obsessive thoughts to keep me company.
I wont miss living in terror every moment of the day, wondering if the 3 calories in the gum I had would make me gain weight.
I wont miss my hair falling out, my nails breaking, and my fragile and dry skin.
I wont miss being cold in the middle of summer.
I wont miss sleeping during classes because I had no energy.
I wont miss passing out 3-5 times a day.
I wont miss going for walks alone during my lunch hours at school.
I wont miss being a slave to my running shoes.
I wont miss being so self-conscious that I refuse to leave the house.
I wont miss any of those things...
and
I will not miss ana.I'm scared though...for the first time in a very long time.I feel scared...to leave everything behind. But then I remember, that I don't want to come back to this life...there's nothing good here waiting for me.
I've only been hurt, and hurt myself...
People that I've
loved and
trusted have betrayed me, played cruel jokes on me, bullied me, tossed me around like a rag doll...
I've punished myself, and tortured myself past the point of breaking.
I'm a prisoner in my own mind, in my own body...I just want to break free.
There's nothing here for me but pain and suffering.
Happiness is long gone..
The person I used to be is lost.
Who I am now...is blurred, and
distorted.
I know that there will be people who will miss me when I'm gone...only when I'm gone.
"You don't know what you've got till it's gone"It's very true...
I may cause pain when I take my leave out of this world...
But trust me, it's less pain that I will cause if I stay.
Much.
Less.
Pain.
Comments (3)
what's going on?! are you thinking of doing something to yourself?! please don't!! there is always light somewhere, there is always hope, i promise you. life can and will get better than this.
oh, i just went back and read the entry before this one. i really feel so sad for you, even though i don't know you. i have felt pain this deep and i can relate in that sense. i was suicidal in the past, through SI and ED as well. i look back now and i am grateful to be alive. i am serious. i can't imagine not living my life. but i saw life back then as a burden, something i could never improve upon, i thought i was a stain upon the world..BUT I WASN'T. but i was blinded at the time. the ED is blinding you now. you are worth a better life. fuck whatever has happened to you or whoever has made you feel like this. i know you are in pain and this extreme ED is a symptom of that pain. but you can get that pain out from underneath you, let it out of you, let it go. i promise it is possible. you can get better and live a good life. please try. please don't give up. we will all help you if you need anyone to talk to.
<3angie
Hey
I am so so sorry you are feeling so desperate, I can relate to a lot of what you have written because i have been there and felt the same way, the the only way to make things better, bareable was to end it to keep not eating until it is over forever. But I am still here today not down to me but due to drs intervening and treating me against my will, it wasn't what I wanted at the time and I fought and fought with them to stop it, but it didn't work and they saved me when I was given only a week to live, now I am in a small way grateful because it wasn't really me, my mind was taken over by depression and anorexia and the real me was squeezed out, I think the same has happened with you. I am not saying life is all roses now beause its not, BUT I am not sure I am ready to die and that tiny tiny bit of doubt keeps be going. I hope and pray that someone will save you like they did me, or that you are able to hand yourself and your control over to a treatment centre or a doctor.
Try to keep fighting, you are worth it xxxx