I've tried to block it out.
But the sadness rains down...puddling at my feet and throwing my reflection back at me.
Basically I haven't posted in a couple of days because I had a small break down. Alright, slightly bigger than small. But close enough. I don't exactly know what happened...
I suppose I could start at Saturday. I had tried very very hard to just...eat...but everything I ate I ended up having to get rid of.
Then during my shift at work my heart started beating irregularly, then beating very very fast. My whole chest tightened up and my heart continued to race, even though I was standing still just prepping cheese. I did everything I could think, I drank water, sat down and put my head between my knees, deep breathing, etc. But my ears had begun to ring and a wash of cold went through my entire body...
I was certain that I was either going to pass out or have a heart attack, possibly both. But somehow I managed to push through. It was a bit of a scare though...I kept thinking,
"Oh no, not again. Not again."
I tried to eat again on Sunday...I couldn't. Purged everything.
Same thing yesterday.
Finally, I decide...fuck it.
Fuck it.
Then I had my breakdown.
I had an anxiety attack, essentially...which lead to self-injury. In the past I've dealt with a serious Anxiety Disorder, and used SI as a means to calm myself and bring myself back down.
But last night something kind of, 'snapped' in my mind.
I can't do this anymore.
I wont do this anymore.
I made up my mind.
I am going to die.
I'm going to die.
I am GOING TO DIE.
I'm commencing my 'Suicide Diet'.
I wont share the details of the diet with anyone, in fear they might attempt to copy...I couldn't bear being responsible for someone else's death.
I'm not entirely sure how long the Suicide Diet will last, two weeks at most.
In the time my heart has the tremendous burden of still beating though, I'll be saying my goodbyes. That includes on xanga...
I'll be trying to post as often as I can during this next small while....
I'll miss each and every one of you. Very much.
But I've made up my mind...
I'm in the process of editing my suicide note, I'll try to find time to share it tomorrow if I finish.
Anyways...
Thinspo? If you want it to be...take from these images what you want.
That's all I could upload right now...my concentration is nearing zero at the moment.
Those pictures...I chose them because I wanted to portray anorexia, not Ana.
I wanted to show anorexia's ugly little head...I wanted to show pain.
Those, speak pain...to me.
I'm lost...
I find those pictures beautiful
and ugly
and true.
I need help...I know it.
But I am now convinced, that I am not going to get it.
Health Sciences Center, Eating Disorders Unit...
I'm sorry so say that I wont be able to attend my appointment on November 15th.
Because I will be dead.
You gave me enough time to change my mind about wanting help...
Thank you.
And thank you to everyone around me who thought my eating disorder wasn't serious enough to give a rats ass about.
To everyone who knew about my problems, but didn't bother to say or do anything.
To my parents, who let things keep going.
To my counselor, who heard me scream...but perhaps not loudly enough.
To my friends, who knew what I was doing to myself, and sometimes even helped me do it.
To ana, for taking everything from me...and more.
And to myself, who was long lost in the midst of the battle.
Thank you.
So very.
Very.
Much.
Comments (7)
you know, i'm amazed that no one has commented this post yet.
Like they have nothing to say to you about this, or can't think of anything that would help.
I guess that could be true, you seem very sure with your mind made up, but honestly I'm not so sure this is how you feel it really should all end.
I think i'll just message you soon if you'd give me the chance to speak with you c:
You seem to have made up your mind already but please don't commit suicide imagine everyone who would miss you I know it doesn't seem like anyone will but trust me they will. I'm also suicidal I've tried to commit suicide many times and I also self harm try to get help from someone I know it doesn't help much I know from expereince. Feel free to message me anytime about stuff like this.
I love you.
No you don't honey.
No. You are going to message me because we are not losing you.
I don't care this much about everyone sweetie and I wouldn't try so hard to help you if I didn't believe with all my heart that you are going to be ok. Listen to me - you are going to be ok. HAPPY. And we're gonna get you there.
Remember how we said that ana isn't a good friend?? well we're going to find better friends for you, ones that aren't illnesses.
I'm going to PM you now.
Love you very very much.
Love and HUGS.
It is going to be ok
xx xx
Please don't do this..
I don't know you and you don't know me, but I can't read something like this and keep my thoughts to myself. I know you aren't looking for pity from anyone, and I know you aren't looking to be talked out of it, but you are SO CLOSE. You have an appointment on the 15th, you need to let yourself get help. In less than a month you will find it. I know what it's like to feel that way, I know what it's like to stare into the mirror for hours at a time and barely be able to see through the tears. It's nearly impossible, but it's not. You can get through this. Please, PLEASE just make it through until the 15th. You are almost there - if you enter treatment and still can't take it anymore, at least you gave it a shot, but right now you haven't even tried. I hope you can find the strength within yourself and those who love you to keep going.
I'm just going to make one long reply....I'm too tired to really type out too much right now. ]:
To everyone:
I'm sorry....I just don't know what else to do right now.
Everything is screwed up and painful.
Everything is feeling beyond repair right now.
I just want it all to end...
It feels like there's nothing good waiting for me here, nothing worth it.
I've just lost hope...
I don't know how much longer I can wait for things to 'change'.
I can't take the voice of my eating disorder in my head anymore, and the voice of my depression...
My voice gets lost in translation.
I don't even feel 'here' anymore...
I feel dead.
I want it to be okay...so badly.
I want a life...more than anything.
But living hurts.
Life hurts.
Too much, for my liking...
I can't take one more breath.
It hurts to inhale.
I don't know what to do...