Here we go.
Again.
[Haven't we been here before...? This place seems familiar.
OH WAIT! Yes, yes we have.
How many times have I had to put up with this bullshit over the past 5 years? Too many.]
I'm going to start with my situation with friends.
Most of my friends have caught me purging in the washroom in the past (grade 8 mostly) when I was more bulimic than anything. It was always that heart stopping moment when I'd walk out of the stall and there would be one of my friends just standing there, staring at me.
I'd have that moment of sheer panic...a cold shiver would run up my spine, the back of my throat would tighten, my whole body would feel like it suddenly left the Earth. Then I'd wonder, what do I say? Do I explain? Make up an excuse? Change the subject and act like nothing happened?
Usually it was the last option.
And things would go on like nothing ever happened.
I have what some people could call a best friend, and we'll call her...um...how about...Jillian. Well, she knows a lot about me and my past. She even came to visit me once, when I was in treatment for 6 months...I both appreciated and dreaded the visit. I kept thinking things like, I hope the other patients behave when she gets here...I don't want her to think I'm like them. Because, I'm not crazy. Right..?
Anyways, it got to a point where Jillian made up the excuses for me. She'd smile awkwardly after I came out of the bathroom after a long while (if other people were present) and she'd say,
"Hey, did the nose bleed stop?"
She'd make up excuses for me, and it both helped me and hurt me at the same time.
She's even taken up the 'responsibility' of eating the lunches that I take to school, and telling my parents that I've eaten if need be.
I don't know weither to be thankful or not.
My parents however...when they first realized that the shit hit the fan(again), they forced me to eat and watched me eat. Every. Single. Bite. ...wouldn't let me even go to the washroom even if I genuinely needed to take a leak afterwards.
But as the days wore on they got more slack and more slack again...and soon enough I was back up to all of my ugly tricks again, and now this is the end of my second day of the 30 day fast.
I want to scream,
"ARE YOU BLIND?!"
But then again I want to stay silent and thank them for the ignorance.
You'd think they'd had learned by now.
I'm guessing that they're waiting for November 15th, as I am.
Waiting for the 'professionals' to whisk me away so they don't have to deal with me anymore.
I'm so lost...
I am broken.
And I don't know how to get fixed.
Or even if it's possible at this point.
I've done recovery, and I've done relapse, and more recovery, then relapse after relapse after yet another relapse.
Five years of the same tiring song...
I want it to both end and continue.
But I think that those who read this understand completely.
I hate to admit this.
But I truly want to die.
But not right now.
No.
Never.
I could never imagine the embarrassment of having someone walk in on my big fat walrus corpse laying on the floor in my own blood.
At least I'll weigh less without all that blood.
Oh shut up you, no one asked you to contribute to the conversation, Ana!
Alright alright, I'll stop with the inside ED jokes.
But I really mean it...I'd probably commit suicide right now if I didn't think that I was too fat to die.
And as I mulled it all over...
I realized.
I think I'm crazy.
Comments (5)
Too fat to die.
I feel the same way . . .
*huge hugs!* I really hope you can get better... <3 But life is hard...
If you're crazy then so am I hun.
How about instead of ANA we find another friend?? Someone a bit more subtle, less cruel and who tells the truth. Sure she'll yell at you telling you I'm crazy and jealous and that you need her.
But you aren't questioning her - I AM. Give it a thought.
It can and will change darling. HUGS and love xx xx
@rainbow_thin - It's the most horrible feeling...because inside you just know that as stupid as it sounds, it's true...
@iwanttofloat - *even huger hugs* Yeah, life is hard... every heart beat is painful and slow. Starving is easier.
@ellasfizzystars - Let's be crazy together then...because right now it's horribly lonesome.
Haha, that actually sounds like a very good idea. I could use a new friend these days...Ana's voice gets so tiring. You're right though, she is saying things like...
"No, you need me. No one can replace me and you can never get rid of me, so just give up and give in already...you know deep down inside that you can't escape. Things will never be the same again, and neither will you. You'll always come back to me...you can try to hide but I always know where you are. And you always know, that I'm there."
In a creepy death dripping voice...
Ana is not a good friend...Ana, is not a friend at all.
But still for some reason, either she wont let me go, or I wont let her go...I don't know anymore.
She's blurred the lines so much between who I am and who she is that I feel completely lost.
I really hope things change, because I don't know how they could continue.
Being crazy with other crazy people is a lot better, and less lonely. What country are you in hun??
I know that voice sweetie, but she is not you. You are a person and she is an illness. It is so so difficult to get rid of her completely but I've known people who have. And you can do it. You have so many people who want to help you and support you and with that it is much much easier.
Thing is with ana is that you feel like you need her. She makes you feel like she is your best friend even though she is cruel and nasty to you. But you have other people who won't be nasty to you ok?? They are your real friends. And yer ana will hate me for telling you this but she's mad at me not you.
It will change. It's gonna happen. HUGS and Love xx xx