Tuesday, 30 June 2009

• Its been a long time...I'm coming home.

    What is it that I have to do, to make you love me?
  
  Alright, this is going to startle a lot of the girls on here. If you've forgotten...my  name is Devi. I disappeared two months and five days ago, and haven't said a word since. No updates, no logins, no messages, nothing.
  
  So before I explain what happened, I want to thank everyone for all the support that I've received with my blog even while I was away. I broke down and cried as soon as I had computer access again...so yes, I read through all of the emails I received. I can't thank you enough, this past while has been hellish for me and everyone around me...but being able to come back and read such positive and caring feedback is a good feeling.
  
  These pages are from my diary,
  
  April, 26th, 2009:
  Weigh in: ...no scale.
  Intake:
  Fasting, day 15.
  My clothes are falling off again, I actually took apart a pair of my shoes and stole the shoe laces so I could keep my pants up seeing as my belt didn't fit either. I feel great, exhilarated, and alive. The only thing dragging me down is this sluggish body, I keep having chest pains and my right side under my ribs I feel like it's tearing apart. I took some night time cough medicine and when I fell asleep last night I could feel my insides twisting...and even though my head was spinning from the meds, I got up, wandered to the bathroom and couldn't stop throwing up. For once...without having to bloody my knuckles.
  Anyways...hid bisquits in my arm warmers, a cracker in my headband, the peas in my napkin, drank the tea, and spooned the pasta into my pocket. They weren't watching...but...I feel like they know, and they're just leaving me out to die.
  
  April, 27th, 2009:
  Weigh in: ...no scale.
  Intake: sugar free no calorie koolaide (I'll add 10 calories just in case)
  -School again, sitting here in math class, it's day 2...so math, then art. I keep drifting in and out so....(I wrote something illegible here, so ignore this bit) then put my head down so they wont notice.
  -Sitting in art, anxious. I tried to stand up but Mr. K was getting mad at me and told me to sit down, stupid  b@stard...fatasses sit down. Obviously, he thinks I'm one of them. Whatever...
  -Language arts, I'm going to lay my head down again and pretend to read...I'm going to pass out soon, but I'll let the bell for lunch wake me up.
  ~LUNCH~
  -Study corner...at lunch I dropped off my things at my locker, as usual. But someone...we'll call her Matilda, was standing there, staring at me. And promptly asked me why I didn't sit with my friends at lunch anymore...so I replied,
  "I usually  go out and buy lunch, then go for a walk."
  She called me on my lie, told me I didn't eat...even when I used to sit with them. True, smart girl, now go away. But she kept talking...telling me how they all missed me, and that they think I have a problem because they never see me eat, and because I'm SKINNY. HAH! But...Ana spoke for me,
  "Matilda, you know what? It's none of your business what I put in my mouth or what I don't! So go ahead, go eat lunch with YOUR friends and then step on the scale in the morning and see how much you weigh. I don't keep track of how many calories and grams of fat you eat, you have NO RIGHT to keep track of how many I consume. I can count my own."
  I said some more idiotic things...she tells me that she's going to report me, I tell her it's because she's SUCH A GOOD friend, sarcastically of course. Then she grabbed her bags, I grabbed mine, and we parted ways. I bolted down the street, and continued to jog to the park where I did my daily routine of popping pills, sipping water, and walking by the deer pen.
  -She wasn't lying, I'm sitting in Ms. B's office...she's out grabbing her jacket, I'm writting this really quick before I'm off for an ASSESSMENT. Once again, my mom leaves me in the hands of complete strangers and doesn't bother to find out if she's ever going to see me again. Thanks mom, love you too.
  
  April, 29th, 2009
  Weigh in: HELL IF I KNOW.
  Intake:
  M-scrambeled eggs, toast w/ ...butter/margarine & grape jelly, orange slices, 2% milk.
  L- 2 slices of DELICOUS(sarcasm) hospital pizza, coleslaw, 2% milk, fries.
  S- to be announced...
  Back in the 'school' part of my day...I got most of my stuff back now, since I'm off suicide observation. I asked if I could write in my journal...they said yes, as long as my journal didn't have metal coils. The hell it does, I WISH. I ended up here...stupidly...on the 27th,, 11 PM. Just my luck I just had to have a blackout when walking into the emerg. lobby. I laid in a yellow room hooked up to a saline bag, sugar water essentially, with a breakfast tray, a lunch tray, and a SNACK still sitting on the desk untouched...for a very very long time.  They did a battery of tests, poked me every which way, and decided hours and hours and hours later that I was stable enough to go to a WARD.
  Pardon me? Which ward are you talking about? The psych ward, and eating disorder's unit during the day for all of your meals. AHEM, I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS.
  They don't care...I'm miserable.
  
  April, 28th, 2009.
  Weigh in: don't even ask...I'm fat now.
  Intake:
  Don't wanna talk about it...
  I'm disgusting, I'm bloated, in pain. I swear to god the food is packed right up to back of my mouth...it's not going down. I want to just roll over on the bed and puke, I don't care if I'd get in trouble...this is extremely uncomfortable and PAINFUL.
  My joints all hurt...they  got mad at me in 'school' because I couldn't sit up straight. I'm just tired...alright? I always lay my head down back at my normal school so when/if I pass out no one noticed. But here they make you sit up straight, no slouching, no head resting...nothing.
  Give me a break, I'M TIRED.
  
  May, __?, 2009.
  Weigh in: why do I bother?
  Intake: go away...
  I don't know the exact date, I'm too angry to go out and check the board. They took my journal away from me last week because I was still losing weight, THE HELL I WAS. I was getting fatter, and gaining weight. I know it...they're lying, and no one believes the poor little ANOREXI DEVI. Fuck off...leave me be, leave me in my FATASS SITUATION.
  I'm guessing I've gained a satisfactory amount of weight for them now...the journal is back.
  
  
  
  So as you've guessed, my loves...I ended up in treatment. For a very long time. Not the longest, the longest for me was half a year and then some more, but...still long...and grueling.
  Am I recovered? I was for a bit...I've been home a little while now, still in outpatient therapy, groups, ect. I so desperately wanted to stick with it, get better...all that jazz. But I can't...
  Eat 3 carrots, throw up.
  Mustard & Celery, throw up.
  Nothing, be happy.
  I can't win anymore...
  I was okay, for a while. Back in for the very last bit of school, finishing up some things...I have to repeat a bit of next year, but not the whole thing. So I was pretty good...I thought. I  had bad gallstones again...which I'd had before I went into the hospital, but they didn't remove the finicky organ for whatever sadistic reason. And then I'd got them again...I could feel the same pain, and I knew what it was.
  I'd  had visits to the local hospital, for IV painkillers...over and over. Then they did another ultrasound, and found something else. Something called a hemangioma, on my liver. My darlings...I must admit, a hemangioma is a type of tumour.
  And it's on my liver...
  Now I have to wait 5 and a half more months for another ultrasound...see if it's getting bigger, make sure it aint the word...CANCER.
  
  Then more things happened...found out about my dad divorcing my step dad, but I didn't find it out from them. From someone else...my dad wouldn't tell me, no one told me. Everyone knew, but me.
  I just...broke down.
  Found out one of my best friends from one of my previous trips to the Eating Disorders Unit, had died.
  Broke even more...downer...?
  Puke, puke, puke, starve.
  Starve.
  STARVE.
  STARVE GODDAMNIT.
  Puke a little...
  
  I'm tired of all of this, I can't do this. So my lovely ladies, I'm back. And with a mission, a vengence.
  Lets all start the welcome wagon.
  
  Pictures from throughout my journey these past few months:
  
   
    
  
  
  I love you girls...
  Stay strong<3
  

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