Excuse moi?Life? Absolutely chaos. It got worse, I've lost 3 very close friendships and relationships this past week, all of them, entirely, my fault. At first I cried, I cried as hard as anyone could. I jumped on the mini trampoline and exercised my heart out, hoping that the more reps I did, the less it would hurt.
Strange....but true.
All I could think about was how stupid I was, how fat I was, how ugly, disgusting, mean, blind, WORTHLESS I was being. At that moment I could feel the hate building up, the pressure was rising, and I was about to blow.
But surprisingly, I kept the self-harm to a minimum (with a razorblades at least), and I kept the starvation to a maximum. This past week, I haven't been able to eat...I couldn't, every time I tried I just found myself crying and wishing that I could.
I finally stepped on the scale today, and watched the numbers change. Four pounds lost in the past few days, twelve pounds in the past week and a half. Satisfied? No, I'm never satisfied.
You know, the funny thing out of all of this, I can't cry anymore. I haven't cried again since that day, I've drowned myself in my eating disorder to stop it all from hurting. Every day I'm getting sicker, more hungry, more weak, and tired...yet I can't stop it anymore, it's become my outlet, my coping mechanism. This isn't about weight loss, or vanity, not anymore...this is about stopping the flood of emotions from penetrating my tough exterior.
And even though my walls fell down once this week....ana & mia promised me, to make me stronger, and never have to feel ever again.
On the brighter/darker side, I found a place of peace finally. I've been searching, for years, to find my place where I could be at ease and relax. I finally found it, this place is called the public library. It's open till 8, have private washrooms, water fountain, no food allowed, tons of books to keep me busy, magazines, place to do homework, music, and it's not far from where I live & my school.
I've been there twice already, and already have out six books that I've been reading like crazy.
Intake yesterday:
NOTHING
Intake today:
Morning: nothing
Lunch: 3 Slimquick hoodia pills
Supper: ?Someone tell me, who is this person in these pictures?
11-12ish
13-14ish
And how did she turn into this?
Finally...at 15-years-old.
Fading.love,-Devi.
Comments (5)
i think you need to pick up the pieces and move on-have some faith in yourself. why did you lose those friends? there has to have been a solid reason. life is tough. thats a fact that everyone has to deal with. life sucks a lot of the time. what defines you is how you transform and grow from it. what you make of it. once you learn to deal with the tougher times then the good times become more frequent. the cutting should stop. My best friend did that in middle and high school and it tore me apart. it really affects those around you whether or not you choose to believe it. when others upset you this is what you need to say to yourself: whatever theyre saying or thinking about you is rooted in some problem within them. you cant control what they think or do so focus on making yourself happy -nothing else should matter. each one of us, including you, have things that make us special and unique and beautiful. find those quirks and be proud. you can do this!! best wishes hun
honestly, amazing, i love your page. and sorry about losing yur frinds, but they come and go, youll be alright, just stay strong hun/
Don't tear yourself down. There's a whole world of sociopaths out there who would happily do it for you.
You are strong enough to resist them... yes.
However, are you strong enough to resist your own inner sociopath? (I do not jest, nor do I claim self-righteous airs... my own is alive and well, and it is only with the greatest of difficulty that I keep it from taking the reins.) Resisting the burning black core of hatred that burns within you... THAT is the true task before you. It is a veritable life's work, and carries its very own inherent penalty for failure.
The loss of that life.
Do you understand?
You have put yourself through as much as even the darkest, coldest part of me would have. You are hereby absolved of your failings, real or imagined.
You have suffered enough.
I just do love your site. i'm 15 too. try to survive <3
xoxo
Sarah
You are so beautiful and i wish you knew that.