How did we get here?"How can I decide what's right?
When you're clouding up my mind
Can't win your losing fight all the time"
-Paramore.I'm so confused right now, and angry, but sad at the same time. I want to cry, I want to cry SO badly. But every time I think about it, I just want to scream, get mad, and hurt myself. And when I think about it all I just keep saying to myself,"F*CK THIS! If I'm going down...then I'm going down with an empty stomach and cold hands."I don't know where I'm headed anymore, a couple days ago I was, 'Pro-recovery! Yay me!'And I really thought I could do it, especially with all you supportive girls here for me.But now, all of the days leading up until today I've been purging the things I've eaten. I kept telling myself, "oops, it's a slip-up. I'll eat tomorrow, I'm still doing good."I kept telling myself that I was in recovery, because I was 'eating' and I was being 'healthy.'WRONG. Once again, I can't do anything right.Lets see my intake for the past two days...
Yesterday:
M- Green tea
L- Nothing
S- 1 whole pizza, purged completely (until blood)Today:
M- Nothing
L- Nothing
S- A 200 calorie veggie recipe that I made.
Binge- 1/6 chocolate icing container, a large piece of Easter chocolate. Purged, along with half of my supper. Well well well...a little slippage? Just a little. Things are complete crap at school, everyone is depressed, creating drama, pressuring me, and putting all of their problems on me. And hell, I don't mind. I love my friends and I want to help, but lately...they're all made me some sort of wall of peace, a little messenger, and a scapegoat. They use me because I'm the only one in the group without a quarrel with someone else, so I'm able to talk to everyone.It's really hurting me...how can I help people if I can't even take hold of my own disease? I think I should go upstairs, fix myself some hot tea, slice up some fresh lettuce and watch a good movie.I need to decide if I can still do this...or if I should give up.Right now, I'm leaning towards give up.
I'm ready to scream out,"JUST TAKE ME NOW ANA! TEAR ME APART ALREADY!"I don't know what else to do, it's killing me.
And by the way...you know who you are,
"I love you very much. And I'm having a really hard time right now, I'm sorry that I've been weird lately. But I'm sick, and I'm not me. Right now, this disease is me and I'm just a shell of a person trying to regain an identity.
I'm still trying...every day is really hard, and I know it's hard for you to understand why I have this Xanga, and why I post the things I do.
I need help. "
here's some much needed thinspiration,
I have a new theme song, it's called.
I'm Fat by Weird Al. Why?
Because,
I'M
FAT!I don't care what other people say...or how much the scale says, they're all lying.
I need,HELP.
Comments (4)
I'll never understand you until I've been there.. and until then, it sounds like heaven. <3 Gd luck
How could you purge the pizza? I was finally able to purge the other day, it happened to be pizza, and it burned beyond belief in my throat, nose, and the back of my eyes. Did you do something special or are just used to it/dealt with it?
@Miss_pteri - Well, I wont lie, pizza is INCREDIBLY hard to purge. But the key I suppose to get it out fast, and completely is that you chew very well so there aren't any lumps of dough sitting around in your stomach unable to come up, and you drink lots and lots of water AS YOU EAT. Then when you're done, chug a can or a glass of soda...it helps it come up a lot faster, not just the pizza but anything you've eaten. But yes, a lot of it has to do with me purging my way through 3-4 years of my life...sometimes you just have to deal with it too.
@overtherainbowthin - ohhes. i'll need to remember that now...^^ why does the soda help? it seems like it'd make it harder cos the fizz would sting even more D: