You need one, I need one, everyone needs one.
This is overtherainbowthin, and from now on I'm stopping the bullshit. I have a feeling that a lot of people that have subscribed to me and befriended me will be confused or angry with this post, but everyone needs to hear this.
Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, EDNOS, BED, etc, does not make you happy. It does not make you pretty, it does not make you confident, it doesn't make you healthy, it doesn't make you a better person, it doesn't mean you have self-control, it means you're sick.
That's the bottom line. And if you're not smart enough to realize that, then you're in denial.
It can seem like your friend, your comfort, your safety net, your drug, your crutch, your everything. But ana and mia are only set out to kill you. I know I sound like a broken record, but if you don't believe me by now then you need to keep hearing it.
I'm currently in recovery, and I'll admit that at first it was against my will. I've been in the hospital before, in treatment before, I've done the whole song and dance all the way through about a million times. But until you actually want to get better, you wont. This is my second week of day hospital, and it's not easy. In fact it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I haven't been perfect in the process either, I've slipped up and even rebelled. My weekend home was horrible, I lost nearly 5 pounds last week, and I didn't eat all of my food if any.
I've had a lot to think about for the past while, especially today. And I've definately made up my mind, for the better.
I'm not cured, I'm not all better, but I'm willing to work towards it. Because I know that I do need to get better, I want to live. I want to spend the rest of my life with the people around me that I love, and not with ana.
I wont let my family, my friends, the love of my life, watch me die. I don't want to leave this world that has so much to offer, the world that I have so much to offer to.
I will have bad days, and I'll have good days. But my goals will remain the same,
I want to be healthy.
I want to eat normally.
I want to enjoy life.
I want to learn to forgive myself.
I want to accept myself.
I want to accept others.
I want to live.
I don't want to die.
I don't want to push everyone away.
I don't want to be pushed away.
I don't want to be miserable.
I don't want to starve.
I don't want to continue this nightmare.
I will beat this, and there's no doubt about that. I will beat this, there's no I might or I think I can. I will do it because I have faith in myself. And I have faith in those around me, the people I love the most. I trust them, and I trust them when they say that they don't want to lose me.
Anorexia will push everything that matters to you, away.
My mom already expressed that if I don't eat, I don't belong in her house. That's her bottom line, I don't recover, she wont watch me die.
My very best friend expressed that it's too much, he can't watch me die either. He believes that I want the eating disorder in my life more than I want him. He's frustrated, and ready to leave. He wont stay if I wont recover. In fact he's contemplating leaving now until I recover, if I do. And then again, he might not even ever come back.
And my friends? Oh, they've given up.
If you think that it wont happen to you, then think again.
An eating disorder doesn't bring happy fun times, it brings pain and suffering.
You deserve to recover, you have worth. Weither or not you believe it, the people around you do. Even if you think no one cares, someone does. You deserve recovery, you deserve to live, to be happy, to loved and not be afraid to love back.
I deserve it.
I do not deserve to starve, I do not deserve to die. I don't deserve to suffer this way, no one does.
Never say you can't, because you can.
It's hard, and it might even seem impossible. But it's not.
Pro ana is bullshit. And deep down you know it too. It's a cover up, an excuse, a dirty lie. You can't cover up the elephant in the room with a bed sheet, because it wont work.
When you get as thin as you'd like to be, you'll either be dead, or too weak to do the things you aspired to do.
Once you get there, what then? Eat? Oh no, you'll get fat. Remember? Keep starving? No no, you'll die. You don't want that, do you?
Give up? Well that would be cheating, darling.
I'm sorry, but it wont work. You can kick and scream and whine and bitch, but you know what? It's all bullshit in the end. No one forces me to get up in the mornings to go to treatment, that's my choice. I go. At first I felt forced, but no one was forcing me. I always have options. I can either go and get better, have a life, have the love of my life, have happiness. Or I can be kicked out, go starve somewhere else, then die alone and in misery.
There's still a rebellion inside of me, kicking and screaming, clawing at the walls of my mind, driving me to insanity. But this is something that has to be done, and I know it. You know it.
At some point, we all hit rock bottom and break.
You can wallow in your misery and cry, feel sorry for yourself and stay broken. Or you can pick up the pieces and try to put them back together, they wont ever be like it was before it broke. But I can create something new.
It's worth something if you try. That in itself is an achievement.
What do you have if you give up? Nothing. You're left with nothing.
I might still lose the love of my life, the most amazing person in the world. But that's his choice, I love him regardless.
He said some things that hurt, I probably said some things that hurt him. But I will forever be thankful, that he gave me the push that it took to get me to realize that I need this. I need to do this. I need to get better. I need help. And to get me to finally open up to accepting it.
This will be incredibly hard, no doubt about it. I might not do perfect every day, but I want to at least have to strength to get up and try it again. No giving up, no breaking down and staying broken.
I
'm still in pain, I'm hurting tonight. I want to dissapear, I want to hide and give up and go back to my ED ways. Say, FUCK YOU. Lock myself away, die. Take that, see what you've done? See how much pain you've caused me? But what good would that do? Isn't that what ended me up here in the first place?
The place to start is to realize that it doesn't work. It doesn't help. Even if you're upset, even if you're on the brink of insanity. Instead of hurting yourself, start taking care of yourself. Start being a part of the solution. Understand that they hurt for you and that they love you, they care about you. But they're frustrated too, and they don't know what to do to help you. If you love them and don't want to lose them, take care of yourself. Show them that you care about them, by caring for youself. SHOW them that you don't want them to go, that you'll do what it takes to keep them around.
I hope that other people can realize it too, and if not now, then soon.
This is no way to spend your life, this is dying. Not living.
P.S.
After this, I'll be leaving xanga.
And I'll be deleting most of my blog posts.
If you wish to contact me, email me at
overtherainbowthin@yahoo.com
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