What is it that I have to do, to make you love me?

Alright, this is going to startle a lot of the girls on here. If you've forgotten...my  name is Devi. I disappeared two months and five days ago, and haven't said a word since. No updates, no logins, no messages, nothing.

So before I explain what happened, I want to thank everyone for all the support that I've received with my blog even while I was away. I broke down and cried as soon as I had computer access again...so yes, I read through all of the emails I received. I can't thank you enough, this past while has been hellish for me and everyone around me...but being able to come back and read such positive and caring feedback is a good feeling.

These pages are from my diary,

April, 26th, 2009:
Weigh in: ...no scale.
Intake:
Fasting, day 15.
My clothes are falling off again, I actually took apart a pair of my shoes and stole the shoe laces so I could keep my pants up seeing as my belt didn't fit either. I feel great, exhilarated, and alive. The only thing dragging me down is this sluggish body, I keep having chest pains and my right side under my ribs I feel like it's tearing apart. I took some night time cough medicine and when I fell asleep last night I could feel my insides twisting...and even though my head was spinning from the meds, I got up, wandered to the bathroom and couldn't stop throwing up. For once...without having to bloody my knuckles.
Anyways...hid bisquits in my arm warmers, a cracker in my headband, the peas in my napkin, drank the tea, and spooned the pasta into my pocket. They weren't watching...but...I feel like they know, and they're just leaving me out to die.

April, 27th, 2009:
Weigh in: ...no scale.
Intake: sugar free no calorie koolaide (I'll add 10 calories just in case)
-School again, sitting here in math class, it's day 2...so math, then art. I keep drifting in and out so....(I wrote something illegible here, so ignore this bit) then put my head down so they wont notice.
-Sitting in art, anxious. I tried to stand up but Mr. K was getting mad at me and told me to sit down, stupid  b@stard...fatasses sit down. Obviously, he thinks I'm one of them. Whatever...
-Language arts, I'm going to lay my head down again and pretend to read...I'm going to pass out soon, but I'll let the bell for lunch wake me up.
~LUNCH~
-Study corner...at lunch I dropped off my things at my locker, as usual. But someone...we'll call her Matilda, was standing there, staring at me. And promptly asked me why I didn't sit with my friends at lunch anymore...so I replied,
"I usually  go out and buy lunch, then go for a walk."
She called me on my lie, told me I didn't eat...even when I used to sit with them. True, smart girl, now go away. But she kept talking...telling me how they all missed me, and that they think I have a problem because they never see me eat, and because I'm SKINNY. HAH! But...Ana spoke for me,
"Matilda, you know what? It's none of your business what I put in my mouth or what I don't! So go ahead, go eat lunch with YOUR friends and then step on the scale in the morning and see how much you weigh. I don't keep track of how many calories and grams of fat you eat, you have NO RIGHT to keep track of how many I consume. I can count my own."
I said some more idiotic things...she tells me that she's going to report me, I tell her it's because she's SUCH A GOOD friend, sarcastically of course. Then she grabbed her bags, I grabbed mine, and we parted ways. I bolted down the street, and continued to jog to the park where I did my daily routine of popping pills, sipping water, and walking by the deer pen.
-She wasn't lying, I'm sitting in Ms. B's office...she's out grabbing her jacket, I'm writting this really quick before I'm off for an ASSESSMENT. Once again, my mom leaves me in the hands of complete strangers and doesn't bother to find out if she's ever going to see me again. Thanks mom, love you too.

April, 29th, 2009
Weigh in: HELL IF I KNOW.
Intake:
M-scrambeled eggs, toast w/ ...butter/margarine & grape jelly, orange slices, 2% milk.
L- 2 slices of DELICOUS(sarcasm) hospital pizza, coleslaw, 2% milk, fries.
S- to be announced...
Back in the 'school' part of my day...I got most of my stuff back now, since I'm off suicide observation. I asked if I could write in my journal...they said yes, as long as my journal didn't have metal coils. The hell it does, I WISH. I ended up here...stupidly...on the 27th,, 11 PM. Just my luck I just had to have a blackout when walking into the emerg. lobby. I laid in a yellow room hooked up to a saline bag, sugar water essentially, with a breakfast tray, a lunch tray, and a SNACK still sitting on the desk untouched...for a very very long time.  They did a battery of tests, poked me every which way, and decided hours and hours and hours later that I was stable enough to go to a WARD.
Pardon me? Which ward are you talking about? The psych ward, and eating disorder's unit during the day for all of your meals. AHEM, I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS.
They don't care...I'm miserable.

April, 28th, 2009.
Weigh in: don't even ask...I'm fat now.
Intake:
Don't wanna talk about it...
I'm disgusting, I'm bloated, in pain. I swear to god the food is packed right up to back of my mouth...it's not going down. I want to just roll over on the bed and puke, I don't care if I'd get in trouble...this is extremely uncomfortable and PAINFUL.
My joints all hurt...they  got mad at me in 'school' because I couldn't sit up straight. I'm just tired...alright? I always lay my head down back at my normal school so when/if I pass out no one noticed. But here they make you sit up straight, no slouching, no head resting...nothing.
Give me a break, I'M TIRED.

May, __?, 2009.
Weigh in: why do I bother?
Intake: go away...
I don't know the exact date, I'm too angry to go out and check the board. They took my journal away from me last week because I was still losing weight, THE HELL I WAS. I was getting fatter, and gaining weight. I know it...they're lying, and no one believes the poor little ANOREXI DEVI. Fuck off...leave me be, leave me in my FATASS SITUATION.
I'm guessing I've gained a satisfactory amount of weight for them now...the journal is back.



So as you've guessed, my loves...I ended up in treatment. For a very long time. Not the longest, the longest for me was half a year and then some more, but...still long...and grueling.
Am I recovered? I was for a bit...I've been home a little while now, still in outpatient therapy, groups, ect. I so desperately wanted to stick with it, get better...all that jazz. But I can't...
Eat 3 carrots, throw up.
Mustard & Celery, throw up.
Nothing, be happy.
I can't win anymore...
I was okay, for a while. Back in for the very last bit of school, finishing up some things...I have to repeat a bit of next year, but not the whole thing. So I was pretty good...I thought. I  had bad gallstones again...which I'd had before I went into the hospital, but they didn't remove the finicky organ for whatever sadistic reason. And then I'd got them again...I could feel the same pain, and I knew what it was.
I'd  had visits to the local hospital, for IV painkillers...over and over. Then they did another ultrasound, and found something else. Something called a hemangioma, on my liver. My darlings...I must admit, a hemangioma is a type of tumour.
And it's on my liver...
Now I have to wait 5 and a half more months for another ultrasound...see if it's getting bigger, make sure it aint the word...CANCER.

Then more things happened...found out about my dad divorcing my step dad, but I didn't find it out from them. From someone else...my dad wouldn't tell me, no one told me. Everyone knew, but me.
I just...broke down.
Found out one of my best friends from one of my previous trips to the Eating Disorders Unit, had died.
Broke even more...downer...?
Puke, puke, puke, starve.
Starve.
STARVE.
STARVE GODDAMNIT.
Puke a little...

I'm tired of all of this, I can't do this. So my lovely ladies, I'm back. And with a mission, a vengence.
Lets all start the welcome wagon.

Pictures from throughout my journey these past few months:

 
  


I love you girls...
Stay strong<3

Confusion.


WARNING: THIS POST MAY BE TRIGGERING TO SOME PEOPLE WHO ARE IN RECOVERY WITH AN EATING DISORDER, SELF-HARM, OR MENTAL ILLNESS. PLEASE DON'T READ THIS IF YOU'RE EASILY TRIGGERED.


Among other things, I feel confusion. I'm just...feeling so sick, and...full of pain. Pain that I couldn't describe even if I wanted to, I don't know what to do anymore.

How did this all start hurting so goddamn bad? YOU WANT TO HURT ME MIA & ANA!?! GO AHEAD! BUT LEAVE MY FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPS ALONE!!!
Just...F*CK OFF AND LEAVE US ALONE!
What the hell am I doing anymore?

[ELECTRO WORLD] said:
hello
[ELECTRO WORLD] said:
k i'm gonna be flat out honest. I think this whole thinspo has gone too far and it's getting stupid.
[ELECTRO WORLD] said:
-.-
[ELECTRO WORLD] said:
350 calories today! WOOHOO -.- Like, it's kinda pathetic! I'm sorry but I have to be honest now .
[ELECTRO WORLD] said:
._.
[ELECTRO WORLD] said:
whatevs, i'm out. I feel sick .

Imagine my surprise when I sat down to see such a skillfully written message flashing on my computer screen.
Stupid bulimia...stupid eating disorder..stupid me, just stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid ME.
Why did it have to end up like this? WHY IS MY STUPID HEAD SO F*CKED UP?!
Someone explain to me, why I can't stop this.
350 calories...350 calories...F*CK ME. I can't eat, I can't eat much more than that! My head is so screwed up! It's this thing inside of my body just gnawing at my insides tearing me apart. Anything more and I blow.

Oh and another thing...I'M A LIAR. OKAY! I'M A LIAR! I LIED TO YOU!.

4/20/2009		9:03:39 PM		it's about time I changed that		[x] Mii [x]---->(S) I'm not here, obviously. And probably wont be back until 8-9ish		I thought you were eating more than that?
4/20/2009		9:03:50 PM		[x] Mii [x]---->(S) I'm not here, obviously. And probably wont be back until 8-9ish		it's about time I changed that		I...well...
4/20/2009		9:03:53 PM		[x] Mii [x]---->(S) I'm not here, obviously. And probably wont be back until 8-9ish		it's about time I changed that		yesterday..that was it..
4/20/2009		9:04:05 PM		it's about time I changed that		[x] Mii [x]---->(S) I'm not here, obviously. And probably wont be back until 8-9ish		so you lied ot me
4/20/2009		9:04:10 PM		[x] Mii [x]---->(S) I'm not here, obviously. And probably wont be back until 8-9ish		it's about time I changed that		But I have been eating more, yesterday I couldn't handle it..
4/20/2009		9:04:19 PM		[x] Mii [x]---->(S) I'm not here, obviously. And probably wont be back until 8-9ish		it's about time I changed that		I felt bad that I couldn't eat enough..
4/20/2009		9:04:27 PM		it's about time I changed that		[x] Mii [x]---->(S) I'm not here, obviously. And probably wont be back until 8-9ish		you lied to me
4/20/2009		9:04:41 PM		[x] Mii [x]---->(S) I'm not here, obviously. And probably wont be back until 8-9ish		it's about time I changed that		I know...
4/20/2009		9:05:56 PM		[x] Mii [x]---->(S)		it's about time I changed that		I'm sorry...
4/20/2009		9:06:42 PM		it's about time I changed that		[x] Mii [x]---->(S)		...
4/20/2009		9:06:42 PM		it's about time I changed that		[x] Mii [x]---->(S)		..
4/20/2009		9:06:55 PM		[x] Mii [x]---->(S)		it's about time I changed that		I'm so sorry...
4/20/2009		9:07:04 PM		it's about time I changed that		[x] Mii [x]---->(S)		k
4/20/2009		9:07:56 PM		[x] Mii [x]---->(S)		it's about time I changed that		I know you're mad../
4/20/2009		9:08:11 PM		it's about time I changed that		[x] Mii [x]---->(S)		ya....that's a bit f an understatement
4/20/2009		9:08:51 PM		[x] Mii [x]---->(S)		it's about time I changed that		I didn't..I mean...ugh...I didn't mean to lie to you...
4/20/2009		9:09:38 PM		it's about time I changed that		[x] Mii [x]---->(S)		ok...
4/20/2009		9:10:39 PM		[x] Mii [x]---->(S)		it's about time I changed that		Say anything you want...I don't really care.
4/20/2009		9:11:09 PM		it's about time I changed that		[x] Mii [x]---->(S)		I gotta go

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?! I CAN'T STOP! I CAN'T CONTROL THIS!!! I TRIED! I TRIED SO GODDAMN HARD BUT IT'S IN MY HEAD AND IT WONT LET ME GO!
I swear to God, if this continues...I'm just going to kill myself, because it isn't worth it. I've already lost two people in one day!

GREAT JOB!
It hurts...all the time, and I can't stop it. I tried, I tried so hard. I'm just pathetic, like she said...it's a sad and lonely life. If I had a choice, why would I be doing this? I wouldn't. I don't want to do this anymore...I don't.

I just feel like sawing my arm off, into tiny bits and pieces. I'm so angry, and in so much pain at the same time. I don't know if I want to die or just torture my body until it's crippled and immobile.

I should just DIE...because this isn't living.


What's wrong with me?
Fading.
Away.
What's left of me?
-Devi.

Tips?

I  have them, the one's that REALLY help.



Controlling hunger:
-Chew gum, but try to stick to the mint ones. If you chew the fruity ones they tend to make you hungry.
-Do a series of sit-ups and crunches, this especially helps with hunger pangs.
-Drinks lots of cold water to shrink your stomach.
-Find something sugar free to suck on to keep your mouth busy.
-Curl up into a ball and wrap your arms around your legs.
-Drink vinegar.
-Smell lemons, the scent will help take away that gnawing pain.

Self-control:
-Make yourself a red bracelet, and wear it. Everytime you think about eating look at it to remind yourself of why you shouldn't. (here's a link to one of my previous blogs if you don't know about the red bracelet movement, http://overtherainbowthin.xanga.com/688990442/red-bracelet-pro-ana/)
- Post on Xanga! Best one yet, haha.
-Do your makeup, and make sure to make the lipstick/lipgloss on your lips PERFECT. That way you wont want to ruin it by eating.
-Examine your body in the mirror and make 10 reasons why you shouldn't eat.
-Calculate how many calories the food you'd normally eat has, and then calculate how fat you'd get and how much control you'd lose if you ate it.
-Make a thinspiration journal, cut out pictures of thinspiration and paste them in your journal along with quotes, tips, and your intake.
-Get out of the house and go somewhere where there's no food, because obviously that way...you CAN'T eat.
-brush your teeth! Almost everything tastes disgusting after that.
-Ruin your food, dump extra salt, hot sauce, or something gross on your food so you wont be tempted to eat it and can successfully throw it away or hide it.
-Wear a rubber band and snap it on  your wrist or flesh every time you think about eating or food.


Hiding Ana & weight loss:
-Layer your clothes, don't wear just one baggy shirt. It'll actually make it more suspicious! Layer your clothes from smallest to biggest so there are no gaps, that way you stay warm and it fools everyone else. If it's too warm wear clothes that have stiffer fabrics that don't hang on your body so loosely.
-Only ever eat in front of other people if you HAVE to, never eat alone. That way people think you're eating.
-Don't talk about diet or weight in front of other people, sometimes it can bring on suspicion.
-DON'T isolate yourself, no matter how tempting it seems. It makes people think there's something wrong, and they'll dig deeper.
-Keep all of your records, thinspiration, and journals well hidden. it helps if you don't keep them all bunched up together. And don't hide them too deep, keep them out of the way but not really hidden, and not out in the open. That way it's not suspicious.
-Delete your computer history! Even if it's your own computer, sometimes unexpected things can happen and unsuspecting people can uncover something you don't want them to know.
-Condition and take care of your hair, skin and nails, this is really important. Take hair & nail vitamins you can get over the counter at a drug store or pharmacy. And if your nails become brittle and yellow, simply paint them. And don't forget to use moisturizer for your skin! Drinking lots of water helps too, it keeps your skin looking good, clear, and moisturized. If your hair, skin, & nails look good then it's less obvious and harder to detect.


Diet tips-
-If you're at a restaurant and have to eat, order something like a garden salad but with the dressing on the SIDE, that way you can control how much goes on your salad if any at all. Remember how many grams of fat salad dressing has!
-Pick apart your cravings, if you're craving pizza have a cracker, a slice of non-fat cheese, and a slice of tomato.
-Take cold showers, it'll burn calories and boost your metabolism
-Drink plain tea, it helps boost your metabolism, acts as a diuretic, and is good for you. And you know what? No calories!
-Tell everyone you're a vegetarian, you can get away with not eating a LOT of food this way.
-No sugar! Artificial sweetener only if you HAVE to.
-Cut down on the salt, it holds onto water in your body and gives you water weight.
-Avoid sitting down if you don't have to, and try to keep moving at all times, the burnt calories add up.
-Just say NO. I know it's hard, but I've learned to do it. If someone offers you food that you don't HAVE to eat, say no.
-Eat negative calorie foods, there are supposed miracle foods that burn more calories then they contain. Apples, celery, carrots, grapes, strawberries, rhubarb, watermelon, raspberries, melon, peaches, pineapple, broccoli, tomatoes, spinach, and asparagus are all examples of negative calorie foods.
-Dance! Seriously, put on some of your favorite music and just dance. It takes the bore and chore out of regular exercise, and depending on how you dance, it can burn a LOT of calories.

If you have any questions for me, I'm happy to help! So just post your question in my comments, or PM me and I'll be sure to answer.

By the way, according to how things are going in my life right now, I can no longer do this 'recovery' anymore. I'm too weak to do this on my own, and too scared to ask for help. To hell with everything...that's how I'm feeling. I'm too sick to self-recover, but I'm not sick enough for professional help. Does that make any sense?

The last time I was in recovery, people were bothering me about my illness MONTHS before the actual hospitalization. But now, even as sick as I am, no one has said a word. It's like everyone is just pretending that the first time I was ever hospitalized (grade 7, 2006) up until now has never happened, and I'm happy about that but at the same time angry because I don't want to do this anymore.
Maybe, I'm just not meant to recover.
That's fine with me, just kill me faster than slower please.

Here's some thinspiration for you,




Stay strong!
Love,
-Devi